6 posts tagged “rachel maddow”

Would you listen to my audition piece... yeah? - Uma Thurman in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"

America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. - Alan Ginsberg

 

The White House will spend one year each in the Mississippi Delta, at the Ogala Sioux Nation, at the Navaho Nation, in Compton, California, Harlan County, West Virginia, Barrow, Alaska, and on Skid Row, Los Angeles.

Janeane Garofalo AKA Pookie, first openly bisexual first lady, first woman vice president, first openly bisexual vice president, first woman president, first openly bisexual president. David Brock, Media Matters: "a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty." Famous quote: "I did not have sex with that woman." [Note to nitpickers: I am aware that vice presidents are elected, not appointed.]

Howard Dean, health czar: Surgeon-General, Secretary of Health and Human Services, CDC, Department of Nutrition, Department of Sexuality and Relationships

1. Health and Human Services

• Courtney Jones as deputy assistant secretary for family planning programs at the Department of Health and Human Services
• Michael J. Fox - National Institutes of Health: an agency of the US Department of Health and Human Services, the NIH is the Federal focal point for health research
• Mark Noble
• Patrick Kennedy, National Institute of Mental Health
• Universal and portable single-payer health care - Dr. Quentin Young and Dr. Elliot Fisher
• William Novelli, Andy Stern
  
•  War on STDs
•  No sound levels above 98 decibels

Pharmacists can practice medicine and write prescriptions

 Ann Cooper, secretary for nutrition

• Tony Tantillo
• Sarah Ferguson
• Alex Kapranos
• Rowena Fullinwider
  • Good nutrition for all. Tax restaurants and food producers based on the fat and sugar content of their food.

• Dr. Susan Woods, FDA

  • Jerry Greenfield
  • Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco. and Marijuana
    
    Michelle Stuchell as White House Chief of Staff

Lisa Schaffner as White House news secretary, Joanna Massee, Sabrina Squire, Cheryl Miller.

 

 

Valerie Davis as White House photographer

Katherine Lanpher as Secretary for Women

• George McGeorge
• Lynn M. Paltrow
• Azizah Y. al-Hilari
• Dr. Bethany
• Gore Vidal
  
  Jocelyn Elders as Secretary for Sex and Relationships Education - "Let's talk about sex."
• Amber Waves, spokeswoman
• Dan Savage, assistant secretary
• Hans Johnson
• Jill Pike, Ministry of Silly Skanks
• Cliff Schecter
• Richard Freeman
• Gore Vidal
• Stephanie Eldred
• Stormy Daniels

Juan Cole as Secretary of State

• William Niskanen
• Zbigniew Brzezinski
• Niall Ferguson
• Ann Wright
• Gore Vidal
• Mark Riley - USA - Africa Summit
• Chuck D as ambassador for the environment - fear of a hot planet
• Daniel Kahikina Akaka as ambassador to the nation of Hawaii
• Reverend Margaret H. Watson as ambassador to the Indian Nations

•  

• Thalia Assuras as ambassador to Canada

• Brian of Richmond Food Not Bombs as ambassador to Mexico

• George Will, ambassador to Cuba. Good morning, Mr. Will. Your mission, should you accept it, is to overthrow the the government of Cuba. You might want to start by buying an Xbox and "Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Island Thunder." Or you could just call Tom Clancy up and pick his brain. As always, should you be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This post will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, George.

• Angelina Jolie as ambassador to the UN, Adam Lebor 
•  

•  Liz as ambassador to New Zealand 

• Catherine Bell as ambassador to Iran
• Peter Galbraith as ambassador to Iraq
• Marc Maron as ambassador to Israel
• Kathleen Wellde as ambassador to Jordan
• Charlize Theron as ambassador to Iceland
• Gwyneth Paltrow as ambassador to England
• Sean Connery as ambassador to Scotland
• Vertigogen as ambassador to Wales
• Maureen Dowd as ambassador to Ireland
• Nelson Britto as ambassador to Portugal
•  Susan Sarandon, ambassador to France
• Lewis Lapham as ambassador to Germany
• Gore Vidal as ambassador to Italy
• Uma Thurman as ambassador to Sweden
• Peter Cornelius as ambassador to Serbia
• Stephen Cohen as ambassador to Russia
• Juju Chang as ambassador to Korea
• Matthew Polly as ambassador to China
• Richard Gere as ambassador to Tibet
• Robert Shih as ambassador to Taiwan
• Merina Vo as ambassador to Vietnam
• Antoinette Essa as ambassador to Liberia

 

Laura Flanders as National Security Advisor

We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. - George Orwell

Grunts ain't animals. We just do our job. We're shot at and missed, shit on and hit. The gooks are grunts, like us. They fight, like us. They got lifer poges running their country and we got lifer poges running ours... There ought to be a government for grunts. Grunts could fix the world up. - Gustav Hasford, The Short-Timers

Paul Rieckhoff as Secretary of War

• John McCain as Secretary of the Navy

• Gene Lepley as Pentagon spokesman
• Dale Dye as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
• W. Patrick Lang, Defense Intelligence Agency
• Lee Ermey as Marine Corps Commandant
• Gen. Eric Shinseki
• Gen. Barry McCaffrey
• Gen. Anthony Zinni
• Tom Clancy
• Michael E. O'Hanlon
• Edward J. Luttwak
• James Corum
• Andrew Green

Jeffrey Sachs as Secretary for Peace - the Department of Peace has the same budget as the Department of War.

• Anthony Cordesman
• Sean O'Hern 
• John Gallini, USAID
• Tom Palumbo
• Rain
• Thom Hartman
• Michael Douglas
• Ava Lowery
• John Woods
• Alicia Polak
• Dennis Kucinich, U.S. Peace Academy, Gore Vidal
• Peace Corps
• Conflict resolution - Linwood
• Domestic violence - see Department of Sexuality and Relationships

 

Larry Syverson as Secretary for Veterans Affairs

• Max Cleland
• Barry Coles (sp)
• Brady van England

Richard Clarke, National Security Department, which is tasked with hardening and reinforcing the country's infrastructure: communications, transportation, and energy grids, emergency preparedness and response, interoperability of emergency communications, standardized training 

John Mueller

• William Odom, director of the NSA, James Bamford, inspector general,
• Anderson Cooper runs Emergency Management Authority AKA FEMA

Christina M. Rebeil, abogado, Secretary of Immigration

• Ed

Robert "Moses" Reich as Secretary of Labor

• Andy Stern

George Wellde as Secretary of the Treasury

William Niskanen, chairman, Council of Economic Advisors

• Barbara Ehrenreich

Wesley Snipes heads the Internal Revenue Service

Robert Holland as Secretary of Commerce
 

Rachel Maddow as Attorney General of the Justice Department and National Intelligence Director. First lesbian president of the United States.

Kent Jones, spokesman.

Nadine Strossen

Elizabeth de la Vega

Robert "Bob" Baer, head of Counter-Terrorism Directorate and Special Operations Executive

• Patrick Fitzgerald, director, National Bureau of Investigation: domestic terrorism and espionage, organized crime, interstate crime, bank robberies, counterfeiting, executive protection
• Ari Melber
• Billy Southern

 Mike Papantonio, advocate general

• Homeless advocate general - legal pit bull for the homeless
• Disabled advocate general - sue the pants off anybody and everybody for the disabled
• Andrew Vachss, children's advocate general
• Women's advocate general - blah, blah, blah
• Minority advocate general - yada, yada, yada
• Joe Solmonese, hate crimes division
• Scott Horton
• Confederate deNazification Commission - Salim Khalfani, chair; Sean O'Hern, Rebecca Snedeker
• Calvin Broaddus, Bureau of Firearms
• Gil Scott-Heron, Federal Bureau of Prisons, The Reverend Canon Alonzo C. Pruitt, Rachel's prison rape guy

Packing  the Supreme Court: 1) Patrick Leahy, 2) Lawrence O'Donnell, 3) Nadine Strossen, 4) Katrina vanden Heuvel, 5) CarminaGitana

Jim Hightower, secretary of agriculture

• John Mellencamp
• Willie Nelson
• Neil Young
• Tom Petty
  
  Valerie Plame, director of the CIA

• Larry Johnson
  
  Tyla Matteson as Secretary for the Environment

Bill Davis runs the U.S. Forestry Service

• Rob Welch

Carrie Belt, director, National Park Service

Jennifer "the Red and the Black" Haynes runs the National Weather Service

 

Al Gore - Environmental Protection Agency

• Garrie Rouse
• Cyrus Dugger
  
  Steve Earle as Secretary for the Arts
• Gore Vidal
• Leslie
• Anne Westrick
• Gordon Bass
• National Endowment for the Arts

John Waters, director of the Jean Seberg National Movie Museum [trivia note: Waters' sister lives in Charlottesville, Virginia.]

• Susan Sarandon, chair, board of directors 
• Kathryn Harrold
• Clint Eastwood
• Gore Vidal
• Rory Kennedy
• William J. Mann

Sangeeta Kumar as Secretary for the Animals

• SHARKS, marine wildlife and fisheries protective service, boards and sinks fishing vessels and whalers which violate national waters and international quotas
  
  Lizz Winstead as Secretary of Communications
• Judy Daubenmier
• FCC: Gore Vidal, Michael Hood, Brian Maloney, Brian Lamb, Jim Lehrer.
• Air waves leasing
  
  Amory Lovins as Secretary of Energy
• Merle Haggard
• Ed Begley, Jr.
• Ken Kramer (sp?)

Mary Schiavo, secretary of Transportation

• Toni E. Cooper, container shipping
• Riley O'Connor, Amtrak
  
  

Martin Jewell as secretary of Housing, first black president of the United States.

• Tracey Washington

 

Sarah M. Weisiger, AICP, secretary of Urban Affairs

Robert Fritz as secretary of Education

• Mike Gravel, National Educational Opportunities (NEO) program

• Jonathan Kozol
• Dr. Cindy Cupp
• Betsy Carr
• Gore Vidal
• Kelly Justice,  Library of Congress

Bill Gates as Secretary of Technology

• Laslow
• Dave Graveline
  
  Lee Marek as Secretary of Science

• Smithsonian Institute

Pro-life Mark as NASA Administrator - to the moon, Alice, Mars, and beyond. Build colonies in space. Build asteroid defense shield.

Tony Hillerman as Secretary for Indigenous Peoples

• Wampum
• Gore Vidal

Julian Bond as Secretary of Welfare

Meredith Vieira, U.S. Inspector General: uncovers and prosecutes government waste and fraud, protects whistle-blowers. Assistant inspector generals: Melanie Sloan, Morley Safer, Mike Wallace. [I'm aware that the GAO is the inspector general for the legislative branch.]

 

Brad Friedman, chair, FEC, Gore Vidal, Mike Gravel, Zachary Washington

Bono as president of the World Bank

Social Security Plus, universal and portable retirement

• Jacob Hacker
• Michelle of the Family Dollar Store
• William Novelli
• Andy Stern

Rory Kennedy chairs the Kennedy Commission, which thoroughly and exhaustively investigates the use of torture by the U.S. government.

David Bender chairs the Bender Commission, which thoroughly and exhaustively investigates the deaths of John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Malcolm X.

Mike Gravel, the National Initiative for Democracy

Gore Vidal, National Recall

In the dugout:

Senators

Joseph Biden, Charles Schumer, Bernie Sanders, Al Franken, the husband of

the sexy, sexy Kathryn Harrold, Katrina vanden Heuvel

Politics
Jerry Brown, Leon Panetta, Brent Budowsky, the completely heterosexual Norm Orenstein, David Bender's CAP cutie, Adisa Muse, Rhonda Earman, Mark Green

Musicians
Stephen Stills, David Crosby, Stephen Stills, Graham Nash, George Clinton (haven't seen him since 1969), Rachel Leyco, Wendy Webb, Mark Keller, Pat Benatar, Alicia Keys, Etta James, Aretha Franklin, Marilyn McCoo, Shania Twain, Little Richard, Guitar Man, James Brown (another guy who doesn't like troopers), Bob Welch, Bill Withers, Chuck Berry, Lou Rawls, John Lee Hooker, and Dwight Yoakam.

Actresses
Marg Hellenbanger, Elizabeth Rohm

Media
The boingboing crew, Laurie Daivd, Rachel Maddow's token CNN black woman, Amy Dimple - for G-d's sake, stop smoking, Ron Dodd, Matt Whosis, Billy Kimball, Andy Barr, Tom Oliphant, Joe Conason, Jon Elliot, Wayne Gilman, David Bender and  Marc Maron should run for president, if only to smash Sam Seder's dream of becoming the first Jewish president, Greg McQuade, Julie Bragg, Stephanie Rochon, Juan Conde, Dick Gregory (haven't seen him since 1968), Harlan Ellison (ditto)

I forgot where these people are supposed to go and I may have spelled their names wrong

Martin Jarvis, David Swanson

Miscellaneous
Philly, Harold Robinson and crew, Grace Lichtenstein, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, Greg Britto, Ralph, Al Simmons, Kathie Wellde and crew, Eric, Mike, Ms. Ali Baba, a VCU policeman to be named at a later date, Janine (for the name alone, if for no other reason) Fennell, some guy in the Virginia Criminal Justice Department whose name escapes me, Jean, Everett, Mr. Lee and crew, Pastor John and Linda Rains, Mrs. Galloway and crew, the Freedom House crew, Harold Durant and crew, Warren Pence, Kari and crew at Kari's Coffee Shop, Chris Lavach, Lani Guanier, Gail Nardi, Ellen Qualls, Joe Wilson, Bill Crowley, Jim Thompson, Isobel Swift, Throbbin' Robin with the big bobbins, who made me realize what the t in t-shirt stands for, Nichole Herbig, Audrey Hepburn of Richmond Food Not Bombs, the abusive, rude, naughty, tauty Haughty Hottie, who wears, not a running bra, but a flaunting bra ("And what a body it is!") and Michele Arthur and the crew at Betsy's, Bo, Starvin' Marvin, Bubba, Rachel, Robin Hood, Wes, Meanie, Cliff, Coach, Daryl, Josh the Rabbi, the Old Blind Jew,  Le Grand Blonde avec deux Chaussure Noire (hey, the kid's all right).

Campaign

David Bender, campaign manager

• Joe Trippi

When I tour the western states, I'm going to play Toby Keith's "I Should Have Been A Cowboy" as my entrance song, juxtaposed with photos of massacred Indians and forced marches on a big screen.

Aftermath
Presidential library in Madisonville, Kentucky.

My thanks to Janeane Garofalo for nagging me to stop being a hobo.

What does Leviticus say about swapping spit?

Tuning into "The Rachel Maddow Show" on Air America Radio for the first time in a while, I heard Our Ms. Maddow doing an advert for her "friends" at a company that sells gold. Call 1-888-SELLOUT. What's next? Hawking Vermont Teddy Bears? If you do, here's a tip, Rachel: get your money up front like Chuck Berry. Really, is this the sort of thing a young lady who may one day be the first woman president of the United States should be doing? Is this presidential? You won't catch Condi Rice acting this way. She's too busy paying Brahms on the piano, exercising with her husband, er, the president, and planning to attack Iran. You won't see Hillary Clinton engaged in this sort of undignified pursuit. She has a full agenda: saving us from video games and covering her ass, er flanks on Iraq in case Chuck Hagel is the Republican nominee for president. At least the Madster now has something in common with G. Gordon Liddy. Also, at the risk of sounding PC, is it really necessary to make fun of George W. Bush for wearing what looks like a dress, Rachel? Isn't this just insensitive piling on? I'm sure your comments were deeply offensive to cross-dressers everywhere. Think of the Bush twins before you let fly with these hurtful comments.

Speaking of Gordon, the CW on the last election was the reason George got elected was that he was the guy you wanted to have a beer with. I've decided I'd rather have a beer with a convicted felon and underminer of the U.S. Constitution than "The Young Jerks." The stench of celebrity envy is almost overpowering on this early morning Air America Radio show. They have the best music bumpers on AAR now that "The Majority Report" is gone. Unlike Janeane Garofalo and her sidekick, Sam Seder, they are actually aware of the existence of rap, R&B, soul, blues, reggae, etc., etc. (Draw your own conclusion about that.) The analysis and deconstruction of Jenkiewicz (I can never tell them apart) is sharp. Anti-vivisectionists may want to change channels when the Young Turks give John McCain the works. Pike got Biblical on Condi's ass, describing Rice as weeping over her barren womb. That's cruel and catty, even - dare I say the a-word - acerbic. I like that in a woman. Maybe that's why Janeane Garofalo is such a keeper. She combines the best qualities of both. Anyone who thinks I'm over the top should listen to Jenk raving about Islamophobes.

Jill now reads books. George W. Bush also says he reads books. He once professed to be nonplused by people who don't believe he does. He was reading a book on King Leopold and the Belgian Congo at the time. He must have found this enormously cheering or discouraging, depending on your POV, since George hasn't (yet) reached the body count with his colony that Leopold did with his. Malcontents will argue that the savagery already has thanks to the madness of King George. Apocalypto Now. New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman doubts the Middle East will ever be a hotbed of modernity but I have two words for him: power tools. Everything's up to date in Baghdad City. Makes you wonder why the insurgents spend so much time downing the transmission lines. As Tim Allen would say, "More power!" Cynics raving that George the Second should read a freaking book about Iraq instead of Camus will get a wrathful, wraithful visit from Alan Bloom.

Sadly, Jill Pike is dead-on about the probable political prospects of Al Franken. Then again, as the speaker at a George Wallace for President rally once told me and my fellow protestors, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Other confrontations with rednecks in that era were less benign, e.g. flailing fists of fury and epithets like hippie, leading to a year's worth of Tae-Kwon-Do lessons at the Y from a power company lineman who looked remarkably like Jamie Foxx in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs." This means that I now know Karate, Aikido, Jui-Jitsu, and other dangerous words. OK, OK, I stole that joke from a Signals catalog t-shirt. Plus ca change, plus ca meme chose except for Merle Haggard. Hag, we hardly knew ye. "You are a DOUCHEBAG! F*cking hippie!" says one recent comment on YouTube. But I digress, which is also Al Franken's problem.

Even with these mitigating factors, the get-famous-or-die-trying desperation from this LA power trio is palpable. From the author of "Citizen Kane" to celebrity wannabe in only three generations. Even Virginia took over two centuries to devolve from George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and James Monroe to John Warner, George Allen, Virgil Goode, and Frank Hargrove. Yet another reason for David Bender to kick his political dynasty habit.

Anyhoo, the not-so-young but still restless should receive an award - a brass baton? - for the best catchphrase of the year to date: "Warm up the helicopters." Maybe Janeane should start saying that instead of her tired standbys like "speak truth to power," "a rising tide lifts all boats," "smoke 'em if you got 'em," "where there's wraps, there's smoothies," "the fish rots from the head," and "kiss my black ass," most of which she lifted from other people. I was racking my brain for something new for her to say myself and all I could come up with was, "May I put a finger in your dike?"

 

Premiere: The lovely and talented Janeane Garofalo, star of The Truth About Cats and Dogs and the upcoming Mystery Men, with Craig Bierko, star of The Long Kiss Goodnight and The Thirteenth Floor, at the LA premiere for South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Photo by Jeff Vespa

I like "warm up the helicopters" so much, I may even use it to replace my own current catchphrase, which is, "Who's Janeane Garofalo? Get me Janeane Garofalo. Get me a young Janeane Garofalo. Who's Janeane Garofalo?" OK, OK, in the interest of full disclosure, I stole that line from Craig Bierko. Who's Craig Bierko, you may very well ask? An answer in the 2020 edition of Trivial Pursuit.

I'm soo glad Air America has become the News You Can Use Network. I used to have to listen to John Tesh to get these kinds of tidbits. From Mark Riley, I've learned you can microwave your kitchen sponges for two minutes to kill germs - four minutes kills even spores. From Rachel Maddow, I found out how to multitask in the bathroom and avoid shoulder pain by ditching my overloaded purse, er, messenger bag. From Jill Pike, I learned that Nancy Pelosi has had her face pulled.I can't wait for Mulligan stew recipes from Laura Flanders.

 

Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let...fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.

Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination...Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out clothes and shoes,
I don't pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain't locked
When no one's around.

I sing,
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.

- Roger Miller, King of the Road

"Fire truck!"

 

"Craptastic!"

 

 

 

"Monkey!

 

 

No more Mister Nice Guy

I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
'Til they got a hold of me.
I opened doors for little old ladies,
I helped the blind to see.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feeling mean.

No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
They say he's sick, he's obscene.

I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm getting mean.

No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
They say he's sick, he's obscene.

My dog bit me on the leg today.
My cat clawed my eyes.
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle,
And dad has to hide.
I went to church incognito.
When everybody rose, the Reverend Smith,
He recognized me,
And punched me in the nose.
No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
They say he's sick, he's obscene.

- Alice Cooper